In your thought

theres a lump sumwher...

i know its in my throat....

its somewhere in the middle....

i know its in my throat....

neither can i pull it up...

nor can i push it down...

if it leaves a trail of tears..i'll surely look like a clown...

i've gotta do something...

maybe turn it to a frown....

but if it leaves a trail of tears..

damn...! i'll look like a clown!!!

a deep pang of regret brushes your heart...

u wish to stop dat rush of tears but NO! it starts....

and everything flows down with those tears...

memories...events...anxities n fears...

the lump eases as they seep down your cheeks...

and people around u call u an "EMOTIONAL freakkk"

you ask yourself "is crying a sign of the weak?"

but people around u still say you're an "emotional freak!"

and after a while the sobbing ceases and all by yourself u sit...

u ponder..u think...u question d reason...WAS IT REALLY WORTH IT????

My expectation

i cannot put my thoughts to words,

i cannot make them rhyme.

its not that im not thinking

or that i do not have the time.

i actually have a lot of that now,

too much i have to say

i wish i could enjoy it

but i cant with ur hatred in the way.

did it ever occur to you,

that i dont feel good today?

did it ever occur to you,

that it might help if you go away?

why do you talk to me,

like im a waste of space?

trust me on this one,

i would really rather get out of this place.

my eyes are black from sleep deprivation,

my arms are still with pain.

there is nothing i can lose now,

and nothing i can gain.

above all that i am dealing with,

i always think of you.

no matter what i do today,

i feel i will always loose.

so all that's left to do,

is cut off the open vain.

find a relaxing treatment,

for this irrevocable pain.

gasping for breath,

is a daily routine.

seeing as im drowning,

in your white water stream.

your stream of blames of expectations,

of put-downs, insults and screams.

i cannot get away from it all,

not even in my dreams.

Pain

it feels odd talking about "pain" at my age...[where all around u harp bout heart pain;) ] but neverthless...i feel pain is a strong emotion...verrry strong...it has cascading effects...leading to sorrow,ill feelings...feelings of revenge...feelings of being abandoned..feeling of being unwanted and the very famous[ why me?????]pain is mental n physical....and trust me mental anguish is loads more painful than physical anguish n suffering...
mother teresa once said," the biggest disease today is not tb or cancer...it is rather the feeling of being unwanted"!!!
so apt! when i fell ill...half the days were spent cribbing..."why me?" "did i deserve...??"but then...pain is not all that bad after all...pain taught me things which i'l never learn frm books....it has made me stronger..more tolerant..much more sympathetic n above all "empathetic"...
in our journey of discovering pain..we have just 2 options...crib along n keep weeping or challenging it...yes..challenging pain.."hey luk..u made a mistake u chose me to give trouble...!'sounds wierd rite? it helped me a lot...made me gear up, more determinedly towards achieving my goals[ at this time the ultimate goal is battle my way to good health:)]n now.....nothin seems impossible...no task seems tough...no longer does an injection look a weapon...the "pain" it changes u...ur outlook..reading lance armstrong's autobiography "its not just about the bike.."[ a must read] changed my attitude towards pain n disease...physical pain teaches loads of stuff...endurance..tolerance..how we take our bodies for granted..how each n every simple task becomes difficult once yr ill...today i thank god....for giving me that "pain"....which made me tougher...got me closer to my family n friends...got me closer to my faith in the almighty and made me aware n feel the pain of millions in the world!
````over n out```

The kite runner in all of us

khaled hosseini.....The Kiterunner

i fail to believe that this piece of work is FICTION

i fail to believe that hassan is just another character weaved into letters paragraphs n sentences...

i fail to believe that the innocence of sohrab is the wonderous imagination of mr.hosseini

and i really fail to believe that love sacrifice compassion regret guilt n redemption all of dose cud be so beautifully elaborated in just 324 pages!!

phew!!

i m not letting out the climaxxxx-----so u can read on....:)

evryone of us has n will hav or might hav had a kiterunner in our lives....a person who despite the "relation"[ blood or otherwise] wud'v ran kites for us...

ran so dat that last kite falling wud bring a smile on our lips...

ran so dat all our anxities fears n apprehensions in life wud be cut maybe snapped just like a falling kite...

there's a kiterunner in everyones lives....a person just like hassan----honest..loyal...the ultimate companion who can luk into your eye...gauge your moods....read your minds....let u win delibrately..rejoice in your victories....fight for you wen u're weak...

proudly put your burdens on their backs...n make u see the beauty of life...

the irony---we never recognise that kITErUnNEr...

n wen we do---either its too late....or we dont value...

just like amir...

we all might identify so much with amir...

the bindaas childhood..the craving for our mothers/fathers love[even wen we know they love us unconditionally] the secrets..the regrets...the guilt of doing so many wrongs...the burden of "IF"s and "BUTS" and the constant----------"i wish i cud have...."

so much that if we really go to see...very few of us live in the present....its just the constant regret of the past....or the never ending anxiety of whats ahead...

its so sad...that sometimes u really wish to go back and change something...that one thing..that one event..that one moment...that one thing.....n u can do NOTHING...absolutely nothing....

Mostly people these days live by the policy of "Not to forgive and never forget"

but amir's atonement of his guilt...his thirst for redemption gave me an all new meaning of "FORGIVENESS"

people like hassan are so rare...so few...maybe an extinct species...

but we all hav a bit of him somewhere..

the bit of him wich urges us to sumtimes do crazy things for ppl whom we care for..

the bit of him wich loves even those goddamned ppl who hurt us in watever ways...

a soulstirring story of ali..hassan..amir...baba...sohrab..sohraya...which ll wake up dat lurking kiterunner in each heart...

this one was just for hassan-----for u dear hassan...a thousand times over!!

does goodness pay

as you sow ..so shall you reap they say...

what goes around..comes around they say..

an action will have a reaction they claim..

the good shall triumph and evil shall be slain..

goodness will never go in vain..

the thought of being good however falters midway..

when the evil rejoice and the good choke with dismay..

they wait with undying hope for the "judgement" day

they wait for, for their goodness to pay..

and days come and days go..

the fruitless wait..with their heads low..

good deeds still egging them on..

coz we cant sin! aahh...this is how we're born..

a life well lived..but still in vain..

the good seeds bore bitter fruits time and again..

and one fine day..the existence ceases..

in the last moments the forehead creases...

the fruitless wait for goodness to pay..

a life lived with shattered hope ..hurt..and dismay..

dunno why...but i felt this today

it pains when u no longer own a feeling..an idea..a creation u lived...imagined...dreamed..prayed..initiated..and loved with all your heart....

it pains when ppl u share all your jokes with dont find it funny...

it pains when your intentions are accused...

it pains when u keep holding on to an idea...a belief a faith for sooooo long only to find someday that u were holdin on thin air...

funny...but true...how something can brush across your heart in a fraction of seconds and give u pain that u never imagined...

funny how some third parties words keep back to u..encirclin in yr mind...how much ever u try to remove the crap----its crap after all..isnt it?

funny how ppl whom we luv care n adore behave strangely wid us....in a manner that wrenches d heart....

funnny how we make d most wildest decisions based on the situation mentioned above...

decisions that we may not have dreamt of making...decisions which are taken by facing the heat---when it pains...coz when it does...it burns not only d heart but also the face...the cheeks..the eyes...

funnny wat a day-an hour-a minute can do to you n your state of mind...

funny when sometimes u feel best when u r left alone...the silence...the slow breathing...the sanctity of your own presence...everything about u dat u feel to notice wen u r in a crowd...

funny what "pain" can do to u..p-a-i-n!!!

the 4 letter monster which hurts pokes...makes u cry...but teaches u...a moment of pain can teach u what a decade of happiness cant!!!!

A Day Back

a day back i realised the value of those coins strewn carelessly in da pocket of my jeans..

when i saw an old uncle on the road..anxiously searchin for his lost one rupee coin...

a day back i realised the value of a dairy milk bought solely for lack of "change" @ da kirana shop...

wen i gave one to a labourer's kid who smiled clutching her million dollar treasure...

i

a day back i realised the value of a honest, candid friend..

when one of them effortlessly walked away unaware of the damage they caused by their lack of action..

a day back i realised the value of spring...

when i saw those yellow leaves fallen on the roads..the ones which once adorned those trees..

a day back... i realised the value of childhood memories..

when i saw an old auntie gaze out of this toy shop...

a day back i realised the value of the three "taken for granted" meals..

when i saw a street kid searching for something to eat in the garbage trolley..:(

& a day back i realised the value of untiring "patience"...

when i wondered how mumma cudnt sleep flat on her tummy for 9 whole months.:O.....coz i was IN THERE!!:)